HOUSTON — Confused guy and self-described “gym rat” Hunter Brooks habitually motioned today for a woman at a local Planet Fitness to remove her N95…
PORTLAND, Maine — Residents of local punk house the Fire Trap added more tap water today to the house’s already severely diluted bottle of Dr.…
GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop has told all of its employees that they should not close stores during the COVID-19 pandemic unless local authorities tasked with…
KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo made the difficult decision to delay Animal Crossing: New Horizons indefinitely after Gulliver washed up on shore carrying the coronavirus early…
MINNEAPOLIS — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended not attending a local house show tonight to limit the spread of Fighting in the…
NEW YORK — A team of dungeon crawlers were horrified after spending hours to conquer a local dungeon, only to find it completely ransacked. “I…
NEW YORK — Self-described introvert Barry Laughlin is reportedly struggling to stay sane during the 14-day coronavirus quarantine period, complaining that the isolation has left…
I’m not saying I don’t take COVID-19 seriously, I do. We all need to do our part and self-isolate or the healthcare system could quickly…
HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — A punk show scheduled to happen in local teen Mike Lennox’s basement was canceled yesterday afternoon after his mom came home with…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention held a press conference today explaining in detail the health risks of touching Mario’s face in…
ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a reminder today that no one would’ve attended a Thursday night show anyway at KTUB…
We’re at a crossroads here, and I don’t believe that social distancing is going to save us. Sure, I think the CDC has its heart…
LOS ANGELES — Rapper Chet Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, tested positive for “full-body dopeness” this morning following a video update on…
NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his…
CHICAGO — Local executive Reginald Dixon sent a company-wide email from the security of his HEPA-filtered panic room moments ago stating that the Coronavirus threat…