SEATTLE — A new model from the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington shows that the patience of local woman Emma Simmons will peak in just over two weeks due her living situation during the COVID-19 quarantine, sources walking on eggshells confirmed.
“We have to state that this model is a very conservative estimate. Ms. Simmons has been stuck inside with her long-term boyfriend for almost 30 days, and his constant jokes are really wearing on her. Not to mention, he only seems interested in video games and has completely relaxed on how often he flatulates in front of her,” noted lead researcher Donna Landis. “When she finally loses it, the apartment will be completely overwhelmed with issues she’s been bottling up, and we fear her boyfriend does not have the mental capacity to handle it.”
Tony Clifford, the boyfriend who has no idea how close he is to being dumped on a daily basis, is completely unaware of the crisis at hand.
“I think Emma and I are killing this quarantine shit. We’ve been thinking about moving in with each other anyway, and this is a good little test,” said Clifford shortly after removing his socks and leaving them on the living room table. “Other than the fact she started grinding her teeth in her sleep, and the sudden institution of ‘quiet time’ where I’m not allowed to talk or look at her between noon and 4 p.m., there’s really nothing different than before.”
Despite the dire prediction, Simmons remains optimistic she can ride out the quarantine.
“Yes, this has been very eye opening for me. I knew Tony had some bad habits, but I never really expected to be tested on this level — anytime he burps and then blows it towards me, I just pick up a book and read on the back porch for a while. I’ve read 18 books in three weeks,” said Simmons, trying to hide an eye twitch. “I’ve been texting a lot with my sister and some other friends, and they’re going through the exact same thing, so I take comfort that I’m not the only one. But I swear, if Tony doesn’t wash the blood out of the sink after he brushes his teeth again, I’m going to flip out.”
Experts warn that even after quarantine, Simmons’ patience will further be tested in the fall when Clifford eventually forgets their two-year anniversary and her birthday over the same week.