TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced today that his state has won a federal contract to become the nation’s largest mass grave, thanks in part to his grossly inept COVID-19 pandemic response.
“The great state of Florida will soon become the biggest mass grave in the country, and possibly the world. This contract will be a huge boon for our economy… at least for whoever is left after the pandemic is over,” said DeSantis from his virus-proof underground bunker. “At the rate COVID-19 has spread, I’m sure you can imagine how many resources are needed to dig holes deep and wide enough to fit thousands of bodies at a time. Hell, the billboard-sized grave markers to list all the dead will create 2,000 jobs alone.”
The U.S. Department of Commerce, which proposed the contract earlier this month, did not expect to see such fierce competition for the bid but was unsurprised that Florida came out on top.
“It was a three-way tie between Florida, Arizona, and Texas for a few weeks there. But the bid clearly stated that the contract would only be awarded to the state with the most criminally negligent pandemic response, in addition to having a majority of its constituents possessing a blatant disregard for their own well-being,” said White House representative Mike Gordon. “Once Texas required masks in public and Arizona proactively ordered morgue trucks on standby, Florida emerged as the clear winner. Now COVID can run its course while simultaneously reinvigorating the job market for the very few projected survivors.”
Florida residents are excited by the winning the bid, seeing it as a path to economic recovery.
“Yeah, it sucked watching my dad’s funeral over Zoom last week, but this contract almost makes up for it — I’ve been out of work for nine weeks, and I’ve been itching to get back in the seat of some heavy machinery. I saw they’re looking to hire guys to operate those giant fucking mining saws to dig the graves deep enough. How badass is that?” said Jacksonville resident Earl Watson. “I’ll finally be able to buy that jet ski I’ve had my eye on. Hell, I’ll buy one for my brother too, if he makes it out of the ICU.”
Since the announcement, Disney World and Universal Studios have reportedly submitted bids for a lucrative subcontract to turn one of the theme parks into a giant crematorium.