LINCOLN, Neb. — Researchers at The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Department of Psychology have found that setup phrases such as, “News Flash, Dickhead” are overwhelmingly followed by something mean, hurtful, and unnecessary.
“We studied the use of common setup phrases and tracked how frequently they have devastating, esteem-shattering follow-ups, and the results were a bit surprising,” explained Dr. Laura Bollinger, lead researcher on the study. “93.4% of setups such as these contain a more devastating follow-up… though honestly, I expected a number closer to 100%, based on personal experience. But that other 6.6% were usually interrupted by a sneeze or derailed train of thought.”
“This study holds particular significance to me, as I’ve been on the receiving end of such phrases for as long as I can remember,” sighed Dr. Bollinger. “My dad was particularly fond of yelling, ‘Earth to Laura! Earth to Laura!’ while snapping his fingers repeatedly in front of my face — apparently to indicate how much of an oblivious idiot I am. I think it’s a universally shared experience. Or at least, I hope so.”
Researchers recruited a wide swath of intellectual ability for a representative sample of responses.
“I don’t even know what the purpose of the study was, but hell, I got paid,” said test subject Donny Fiorentino. “We had conversations and people just talked to me like they normally do, saying things like, ‘No shit, Sherlock!’ and, ‘Is there anybody in there?’ while knocking my head with their fist. We talked about politics, and one guy in a lab coat kept saying things like, “Thanks, Einstein!” before telling me I’m an idiot for my Pizzagate theories. So, yeah, pretty normal day.”
Popular lecturer and podcaster Dr. Brené Brown examined the effects of phrases like “News Flash, Dickhead!” on the recipient’s emotions.
“I urge people to live their most authentic lives without a sense of shame for who they are,” said Brown on her popular podcast “Unlocking Us.” “And for some, that means responding to mild instances of misunderstanding with brutally cutting phrases like, ‘Ya think, dipshit?’ can authentically represent our feelings of frustration. So, let them fly, dickwads.”
Dr. Bollinger is preparing to begin a follow-up study, examining the demoralizing effects of phrases like, “Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” used in response to frequently klutzy mishaps.