PORTLAND, Maine. — Local woman Dani Pineda has desperately hidden her humanity from her live-in boyfriend Aaron Adams by not shitting at all for the past four months, due to the pandemic forcing the couple to remain quarantined together, worried sources confirmed.
“We signed a lease on a place together in March… and then quarantine hit. The coronavirus fallout has been a real test of our relationship and the durability of my now severely impacted rectum,” said Pineda. “We order groceries online, and we’re both working from home, so I don’t get any alone time where I can use the bathroom without worrying about ghastly noises or odors. I knew holding it in was dumb, but I guess I was hoping that after a few weeks I’d maybe start eliminating feces through my pores like a frog, or something?”
Adams seemed completely unaware of his girlfriend’s pain, or that women even have functioning anuses.
“Quarantine sucks, but it’s made me more aware of all of Dani’s cute little quirks — the way she’s constantly clenching her teeth and grunting in pain, how she army-crawls from the bedroom to the kitchen… and that adorable way she eats an entire block of cheese everyday,” explained Adams. “After having guy roommates for years, I knew living with a woman would be an adjustment.”
Yesterday, Pineda took the extreme step of “accidentally” slicing her hand with a butter knife as a ruse to get her severely bloated stomach treated.
“Because of Ms. Pineda’s terrible health insurance plan, unfortunately the stitches for her hand and the treatment for her constipation will cost nearly $5,000,” said ER nurse Brielle Johnston. “I asked why she would put herself through this. Her answer? She still wants her boyfriend to think of her as a ‘delicate little flower.’ At least I think that’s what she said — I couldn’t hear too well while digging a dozen pounds of dry fecal matter out of her asshole.”
Pineda is also praying she can get waxed at a salon again soon before Adams realizes her pubic hair doesn’t naturally grow in a thin, clean landing strip.