BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — A new podcast by an Indiana University-Bloomington sophomore created to discuss emerging math rock bands abruptly switches between being so quiet as to be hardly audible and punishingly loud, frustrated listeners report.
“I hope to shine a light on the most exciting underground bands coming out of Asia, the U.S., and elsewhere, but I’ve only received 1-star reviews on iTunes,” said “Triple Integral Pod” host Marie Spitz, whose own math rock band Buttsack is scheduled to play the student union later this month. “I don’t know… maybe there was something wrong with the audio file? But I can’t check — anytime I hear my own voice, I literally vomit. Every single time. Pure bile.”
Strangely, the “Triple Integral Pod” producer seemed oblivious to any potential audio issues with the pilot episode of the new show.
“YEAH, I’VE PLAYED IN AND PRODUCED VARIOUS POWERVIOLENCE AND BLACK METAL BANDS THROUGHOUT ALL OF HIGH SCHOOL, SO PRODUCING AND MIXING A PODCAST IS ACTUALLY MUCH SIMPLER,” shouted Willie Duran, who has an ominous “Earplugs Are for Pussies” tattoo on his forearm. “TO BE HONEST, I CAN’T HEAR ALL THAT WELL, BUT I HAVE SOME SWEET MASTERING PLUGIN PRESETS LOADED ON ALL THEIR VOICES, SO THIS SHOW SHOULD SOUND PRO QUALITY. WHAT? DID YOU ASK ANOTHER QUESTION?”
Ear, nose, and throat doctors are noticing an alarming rise in appointments to alleviate symptoms from varying podcast volume extremes.
“Usually, new podcast hosts have no idea how to configure a microphone, so the listener has to crank the volume on their end. But a few minutes in, some awful punk theme song comes in at full volume, and ear damage is done before the victim can reduce the volume again,” explained otolaryngologist Dr. Ann Ulrich. “The tragedy is that most of these podcasts are abandoned after three episodes anyways, but the damage is irreversible. Please, for the health of the people, don’t start a podcast.”
In an effort to grow the “Triple Integral Pod” community and hopefully boost reviews, Spitz has created a private Facebook group for listeners, which currently only consists of Spitz and her Aunt Beverly, who is currently banned from posting after sharing the most racist memes ever seen on the internet.