No economist could have predicted the year toilet paper had in 2020. There were weeks-long stretches when shelves were completely empty. But did you know that you could avoid the whole rat race by getting a bidet and never stop reminding people how fucking clean your asshole is?
It’s not enough to simply spend two days installing a bidet in your toilet and use it post-shit. You then must make sure to spread the Good Word to everyone in your life. Evangelize your loved ones. Make them understand that you care about their buttholes.
Bring it up during in-person conversations, social media discussions, and your best man speech at your brother’s wedding. It is your doody to subtly hint that you regularly get blasted up with a jet of water at the temperature of your choosing.
Some people only trust that their butt is shit-free by grinding down there with their fingers. These people are disgusting. They are subhuman. The only thing defending the underside of their fingernails from certain doom is a piece of paper about 3 atoms thick. Hasn’t technology achieved a point where we can move beyond fingering ourselves day in and day out? The robots should work for our taints, not the other way around. Why be quiet about such an important cause?
Make sure to loudly exclaim your displeasure anytime you use a bathroom outside of your home. “Excuse me, do you have another bathroom with a bidet? No? Oh that’s ok, I’ll just ‘prairie dog’ it until I get home.” Cancel vacation plans unless you’re going to Japan, the birthplace of automated pooper cleaning.
You can be at the forefront of normalizing pristine anus-based conversation. 20 years ago, no one would bring this up at brunch. Now? It’s totally chill to remind your mates about the unnaturally warm stream of water grazing your hole thrice daily between mimosa refills. We hear bidet ads on every podcast. Howard Stern stormed the beaches of butt talk with Squatty Potty ads; it is now our doody to continue fighting for his ideals.
Why stop at just talking about it? Here, sign my Change.org petition demanding Bumble add a “Bidet-owner” filter. Help me grow the r/Bidet subreddit. And please, tell Instagram to stop banning me for posting my immaculate fartbox on Stories.