WASHINGTON — Capitol Police instructed potential rioters today to “just use the same route as last time” in response to growing concerns around another possible breaching of the Capitol Building during President-elect Joe Biden’s upcoming inauguration, multiple sources carrying Confederate flags and wearing “Punisher” shirts confirmed.
“No need to reinvent the wheel here. Just take the same steps up and we’ll leave it unlocked for you. That door is a little weird, though — it actually only locks from the outside. It was a thing with old buildings, I guess,” said U.S. Capitol Police spokesperson Rae Mitchell. “But we should still be able to let you in from there. Just text us when you’re like, I don’t know, 10 minutes away? We might still be setting up a few things around then, but we can get someone to go down and open it up for you.”
“Also, if you’re Black, please wear your MAGA hat,” Mitchell added. “We don’t wanna mistake anyone for a counter-protester, because we all know how that could end up.”
Potential protesters are relieved they do not have to change their plans, thanks to the “lovely” accommodations made by the department.
“Not gonna lie. I was getting worried, man,” said Trump supporter Charlie Baynes. “Ever since they shut down my Parler chat room, SomeOfThoseThatWorkForces420, it’s been hard to plan stuff, so I’m glad the cops will still be there to guide the way. I can’t tell you how helpful they were the first time — it would’ve taken hours to find Sen. Chuck Schumer’s office without them. Maybe I can get a selfie with the same cop I got one with last time; turns out we were actually in some of the same secret Facebook groups. Small world!”
The comments drew confusion from many, including Rep. Jamaal Bowman, who recently introduced a bill to investigate police involvement in the attack.
“Are they… are they serious right now? Like, they’re just openly saying they’re gonna let them in? Is anybody else seeing this shit?” Bowman asked. “I mean, honestly, I’m kinda relieved. I just wrote a whole bill with the intent of figuring out which of these pigs were white supremacists in disguise, and they just did my job for me. Fucking idiots.”
Capitol Police also assured rioters they could leave out that same door, and encouraged them to take some of the leftover food with them, as they will probably not finish all of it.