DALY CITY, Calif. — Local man Kevin Aguilar is completely unaware that his seemingly happy, long-term relationship will come to a swift and decisive end as soon as COVID-19 is under control, sources within the relationship confirmed.
“Things with Sarah [Duncan] and I have never been better. We’d been pretty casual before corona, but we moved in with each other to save some money and it’s been heaven on Earth,” said Aguilar while browsing for engagement rings. “I know a lot of people around the globe are suffering, but selfishly, this has been a blessing for me — I’ve often had trouble maintaining relationships because I’m told I’m argumentative, stubborn, and that my personal hygiene needs a complete overhaul. But none of that matters to Sarah. She’s a blessing, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her.”
Conversely, Duncan is counting down the days until she is vaccinated and society returns to a somewhat normal state.
“I thought I could manage it, but then he started working from home, and he’s worn the same basketball shorts each day and they’re basically see-through now. It looks like he’s wearing mesh wax paper,” said Duncan, while sitting in a nearby park in order to avoid going home. “He refuses to clip his toenails because he made a bet with his friend to see who can grow theirs the longest, and these things shred our bed sheets — once they cut my leg so bad I thought I needed stitches. I’ve been saving money to get a studio apartment, and I can’t wait to look him right in the eyes and say, ‘I fucking hate you so fucking much. Delete my number.’ What a waste of a fucking year.”
Relationship experts across the country say this is a very common occurrence.
“There is a fallacy people fall into where they mistake proximity for intimacy: they believe that living with a person is the ultimate expression of love,” said psychologist Don Higgins. “We expect to see a record number of single people once the country is vaccinated, and the fuck fest the country will enter into will be nothing like we’ve ever seen. Condoms will be hoarded like toilet paper, bed frame durability will be tested like never before, and we will see such a spike in STDs that people will likely be on hold with Planned Parenthood for months.”
At press time, Duncan was seen sending envelopes full of cash to Pfizer, Moderna, and AstraZeneca in hopes the money will help them ramp up production of the vaccinations.