BETHESDA, Md. — “Duplicitous catfisher” and clearly regular homo sapien Colleen Jansen disappointed prospective love match Dominic Sabatino yesterday after proclaiming to be a “horse girl” in her Tinder bio, the centaur fetishist reported.
“This is classic kinkshaming at its worst. I thought that in 2021 we understood that some people are only interested in dating mythical centaurs, but apparently not!” said an infuriated Sabatino after the socially-distanced, double-masked park date. “So I’m sitting in the park, and this otherwise cute girl walks up to my blanket, bale of hay, and brand fucking new salt lick. As soon as she asked, ‘Dom?’ I felt like that stunned meme of Spongebob. I knew I’d been bamboozled. Sometimes I feel there are no limits to the evils of humanity.”
Jansen attempted to apologize for the misunderstanding.
“Well, Dom seemed really sweet on Tinder. He had a mutual affinity for equestrianism, and didn’t try to make some ‘bareback’ pun to me as an opener, so I was down to meet,” explained Jansen, who has ridden horses, worn flannel almost every day, and hasn’t cut her hair since the age of four. “But greeting him in the park, he immediately started muttering about centaurs and angrily shoving his four golden horseshoes back into his bag. I would’ve loved to give them to my favorite horse, Poodles! I just don’t know where it went wrong.”
Dating experts offer lots of reasons why and how dating apps can lead to miscommunication.
“At the end of the day, straight men are still idiots. And in the age of free, unlimited porn, some of them are into some purely fictional fantasy stuff,” explained Daniella Yonkers, dating editor for Cosmopolitan. “But you can’t just tell someone that centaurs aren’t real — that’s like waking up a sleepwalker mid-dream. We can only hope that a person like Dominic comes to the realization on his own, or VR technology accelerates fast enough that he can get his kicks with a headset.”
In an effort to avoid embarrassing situations in the future, Sabatino is allegedly developing a dating app titled OnlyCentaursAndPeopleWhoAreIntoCentaursAndMaybeMinotaurs.