MORGANTOWN, W.V. — A new study conducted by researchers at West Virginia University found that toddler nose theft has dropped by 85% in the U.S. since the implementation of widespread mask mandates.
“We are seeing something unprecedented: a generation of children whose development will be largely unaffected by nose theft, cheek pinching, or objects being mysteriously pulled from within their ears,” said Dr. Levy Chakari, a sociologist and pediatrician who oversaw the study. “The psychological effects are sure to be fascinating when they surface later. Even now, we’re seeing signs that toddlers are not developing the pleasure centers associated with slapstick and physical comedy in their lower frontal lobes.”
Evelyn Warner, whose twins Stefan and Mimi Warner will turn three later this year, said her youngest are already indicating that their development is different than that of older children.
“It’s like if they can’t do toddler things, they’re not going to bother with toddlerhood,” the fatigued mother said over the sound of the twins’ favorite television series, “Bones.” “They even roll their eyes at peek-a-boo. So I’ve had to get creative to teach them object permanence: I let them help me with my tax returns to show them how the money still exists, even if they can’t see it for a while. At least I don’t have to hear ‘Baby Shark’ anymore… though I am getting tired of them demanding to hear Mumford & Sons.”
Criminologist Marianne Carson-Batherson said the study has provoked mixed criticism within her field.
“Nobody wants to say there is a ‘good’ version of any crime in our society,” Carson-Batherson said. “But the fact is, among people currently as young as four and five years old, the overwhelming majority have been subject to repeated nose theft. These people share a similar cultural basis for humor from a young age, which in itself is neither objectively good nor bad — you get both ‘The Great Dictator’ and ‘The Big Bang Theory’ from this pool. With such a massive reduction in numbers, who’s to say we won’t grow up with a generation of unfunny hacks at best, if not total downers?”
“Then again, maybe we should finally do away with old guys touching kids’ faces anytime they run out of material,” she added. “That’s objectively kinda weird, pandemic or no.”