Aries (March 21-April 19)
Your leadership skills will be of use this week, Aries. Tell your frontman that you guys are playing the song you wrote, or you’re going to quit. If there’s one way to get someone to see where you’re coming from, it’s a rigid ultimatum. Believe in yourself.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Long distance love may be in your future, Taurus. That cutie you met at the show last night wrote their number on your leg after you passed out. Skip the shower. Or just write it down, whatever’s easier.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Congrats Gemini — you share a sign with Morrissey! A connection with your sun sign brother is in the cards, so be sure to keep buying tickets to his gigs in case he actually shows up one of these days.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Make sure to set some boundaries, Cancer. Just because your practice space has air conditioning doesn’t mean you should start a band with all 46 people who asked if you wanna start a band since that last heat wave.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’ve been celebrating your birthday since last month, but it’s finally here, Leo! Don’t forget the people who helped you get here: your mom for giving birth to you, your dad whose neglect made you the punk you are, and your bassist, who always lets you rummage through that big-ass bag of stale, traditional cake donuts they tried to throw out after his shift at Krispy Kreme.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Let your natural knack for maintaining order and being hard on others work in your favor this week, Virgo. Shoot your drummer’s song idea down immediately, and keep practice moving along with a super-aggressive, “Next!”
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Some say that Libra’s sugary sweetness is a tool often used for deception. Whether or not that’s true, you should realize that no matter how much you flirt with the booker, you’re not getting more than $6 to split between the band.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
An opportunity to utilize your resources will present itself to you this week, Scorpio, when an empty Gatorade bottle that’s been in your room for months will suddenly be noticed the minute you start contemplating whether you should get up to pee. Everything happens for a reason. Look for signs.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You’re doing great, and your style is amazing, and everyone wants to kiss you this week, Sag. Stock up on breath mints, because you’re about to have a very busy month. And, also, because your mouth is disgusting. Look to floss. Some of it comes in cool flavors, like cinnamon. So that’s kind of exciting.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
This week is going to be tough for you financially, Cap, so swing by Game Stop and see what you can get for that box of PS2 games before they close. Treat yourself to a loosie with the earnings.
Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)
Yes, your drive to forge your own path can often make you a force for good, Aquarius. However, traffic laws do insist that you occasionally follow SOME pre-made paths… at least, that’s what a jury of your peers will decide.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
We have a feeling we’re gonna be saying this a lot between now and October: It is way too early to start putting out your Halloween decorations, Pisces. Stay in the present, and don’t worry — you don’t have to stop talking about The Nightmare Before Christmas. We couldn’t make you if we tried.