PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local five-piece outfit Brain Pollution have completed their successful transition from forgettable hardcore act into atrocious metal band, disappointing unsuspecting fans throughout their set last night.
“They were never anything special,” said close friend and de facto fan Jimmy Sallavoy. “But they’re good dudes, and they were having fun up there, so that was fine. This metal thing, though? Doesn’t work for them. All five of them look like they’re struggling to keep up with their songs — they really seem to be playing above their skill level up there.”
“I swear, I saw [guitarist] Jerry [Becker] just kind of gave up on a solo halfway through on a bunch of their songs,” Sallavoy added. “Not great.”
Tired of “generic, breakdown-infused hardcore,” the members of Brain Pollution allegedly had a long discussion about a new direction their band could take — with metal narrowly beating out pop/punk and wrestling podcast in the ensuing vote.
“It just seemed like the metal dudes were always having more fun,” said bass player Davey Steele. “Half the hardcore bands on every show we used to play were straight edge, and would give us side-eye every time we shotgunned beers before a set, or after a set, or right when we got there. Seemed like a good switch to make. These songs are fuckin’ hard, though.”
Vocalist J.J. Hopkins agreed.
“Oh, man. It was so much easier writing hardcore lyrics,” said Hopkins. “Whenever I got stumped, I’d just repeat the same thing four or eight times, and kids would lose their minds. But metal songs have so many lyrics… and I only have so many things to say about dragons and mountains and shit. I’ve had to start reading Tolkien to even get a slight glimmer of inspiration.”
After their performance, many wondered whether the band’s new approach would last, given their incompetence in their new genre.
“They really probably should switch back,” admitted Sallavoy. “Sucks that they traded in all their gear for those pointy guitars, though.”