STOCKTON, Calif. — A gentle reminder that Death Brain guitarist Bryant Patterson had already told the story he was about to tell last night failed to stop him from telling it again anyway, a quietly frustrated source confirmed.
“We were at practice, and [Patterson] started talking about the time he made a kid sell him his Ray-Bans at a show five years ago,” said bassist Jimmy West. “So I just kinda went, ‘Hey bro, you’ve told this one before,’ because I respect his right to free speech. Anyway, I’m pretty sure he was just kidding when he said, ‘Shut the fuck up, Jim.’”
Patterson claimed “everyone loves that story because it has a happy ending,” and has no plans to retire it.
“People hear a story like that, they know you won’t let anything get in your way,” Patterson explained. “Not your bassist bitching at you, and not some depressed kid who’s stupid enough to take $20 for his $150 sunglasses just because he likes your band.”
Iris Heiser, ex-drummer of Death Brain, had used an alternate and decidedly more effective method in the past to stop Patterson from recounting the same anecdote repeatedly.
“It got to the point where direct action was the only option. I punched him in the mouth once, and I never heard that fucking stupid story again,” Heiser explained. “Sure, Bryant is suing me right now, but I’m not too worried about it. I’ll just get him in the kidneys next time I see him in the pit.”
For his part, the original owner of the now-legendary Ray-Bans, Matthew Warren, has mixed feelings about being the subject of tension for Death Brain.
“I really like their music,” said Warren, “but it’s weird how Bryant still tells this one story about me. He works it into his stage banter, and the last Death Brain E.P. had a song called ‘Thanks for the Memories (and the Ray-Bans).’ Kinda sad, really. I’m starting to think that’s the most interesting thing that’s ever happened to him.”