SEATTLE — Members of local hardcore band Within My Grasp discovered today that a benefit show they agreed to play was actually a fundraiser to promote the spread of cancer, equally dismayed sources confirmed.
“We had no idea… the promoter said it was ‘a cancer benefit show.’ We figured someone in the scene needed help, so we said yes immediately,” said frontman Terry Powers. “But, once we got here and saw all the banners advertising cigarettes, and merch booths filled with pharmaceutical reps selling miracle cancer treatments, we knew we’d made a mistake.”
Friends of the band who came out in support were equally upset to find their money would be used to promote a deadly disease with no definitive cure.
“The flyer for the show said it was $10 to get in, but only $5 if you brought a known, non-perishable carcinogen. I brought a few boxes of fluorescent light bulbs that were sitting in my garage, thinking they’d recycle them or something,” said friend of the band Amy Lin. “I just hope they don’t take all this shit and poison the groundwater near an elementary school or something. If there’s a cancer cluster in this part of town in the next few years, it’s gonna be tough not to feel directly responsible.”
Surprisingly, other bands on the lineup were less concerned where the proceeds from the show ended up.
“This is one of the only shows my band has ever booked, so we’re excited to be here. You’d be surprised by how many people hate the Pacific Northwest’s only folk Good Charlotte tribute band,” said The Young and the Hopeless frontman Chester Asbury. “Yeah, sure, the food they provided is various microwaved meats, and the smoke machine is just a box fan pointed at a bucket full of lit cigars… but the audience seems into it.”
At press time, members of Within My Grasp promised to be more responsible about causes they support, after realizing they accidentally donated to a GoFundMe covering the medical expenses of a known dogfighter who has the same name as their former drummer.