COSTA MESA, Calif. – Mere days after Ted Cruz announced Carly Fiorina as his potential running mate, early reports show Republican frontrunner Donald J. Trump has made a shocking vice presidential pick of his own: Donald J. Trump.
“He’s the best guy, ok? The best. He knows all the best words. He’s like, really smart, ok? Believe me, believe me,” Trump said in prepared remarks practiced over the weekend on a teleprompter. “He’s going to help me win California so fast your head will spin. You people won’t believe it.”
According to his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, Trump’s VP pick is part of the plan to roll out a new, more presidential version of Trump now that he has knocked out almost all of his primary rivals.
Despite being a major and previously unknown scientific breakthrough, the potential Vice President Trump, cloned from the DNA of Donald J. Trump and incubated for the last two years, was able to hit all the classic talking points.
“You know, I don’t talk about it anymore but there’s something going on with Obama’s birth. Was he really born here? Doesn’t look like it. Me, I was created in a lab in the United States of America — the finest lab — everyone says it’s the best lab,” Donald Trump 2.0 said. “I am the only logical choice for running mate; the lab created me perfectly. Nobody, not even women, want to see Ms. Fiorina or Mr. Cruz anywhere near the White House. Gimme a break — so boring.”
Indiana native Larry Wilmer, who was recently arrested at a Trump rally in California for punching a protester in a wheelchair, approved of the presidential Trump’s pick for a potential running mate. “The Donald doesn’t need to play the female card to gain our votes,” he said. “With two Trumps in Washington, we can build a wall on all sides of the country. Make Mexico pay, make Canada pay, make both oceans pay.”
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Sources close to the Trump campaign say that despite the original intentions for the clone, the decision was in the works for some time. They also allege that the VP Trump went through a vigorous vetting process, failing in the exactly the same ways the original Trump did.
“The choice was obvious,” continued the first-born Trump in discussing his double, whose facial muscles twitched uncontrollably throughout the rally. “If Donald weren’t my Vice Presidential pick, perhaps I’d be dating him.”
Article and photo by Mirinda Moriarty @leeloodallas_multipass and The Hard Times Staff @REALpunknews.