Have your band practices been awkward ever since your bass player Mike quit and you replaced him with a dude named Mark who sort of looks like Mike and you keep calling him Mike? You are not alone! That’s why Hard Times has come up with the definitive guide to learning your bass players fucking name!
1. Try a mnemonic device, like “Not Monkey Instead Marmalade”
If you can remember “Not Monkey Instead Marmalade” then you can remember your bass players name! ‘Monkey’ begins with the letter ‘M’ for ‘Mike’ and ‘Marmalade’ begins with ‘M’ for ‘Mark.’ Therefore, saying “Not Monkey Instead Marmalade” whenever you see your bass player is your cue to remember his name is not Mike but instead Mark. Remember, he is Mark, not Mike. It could not be simpler!
2. Remember, Mike wore black shirts and Marc wears dark grey/off-black shirts
Mark has the same facial hair Mike had and as a rule you should never look a bass player in the eye. Instead, look at his shirt! If the shirt has that crisp new, somehow bright black hue to it then you are talking to your old bass player, Mike. If it’s more of a faded black or even very dark grey then it’s the new guy, Mark.
3. Use your clout to give him a shitty nickname and just call him that instead
He doesn’t like it when you call him Mike? Fine! He can just be numbnuts or choad from now on. You’re one of the founding members of this band, dammit. Who the fuck does this new guy think he is correcting you? Mike?
4. Gaslight him into thinking his name is actually Mike and that he’s wrong, not you
Bass players do not typically have families or close friends so they won’t have anyone who can concretely verify that they are in fact Mark, not Mike. Break into Mark/Mike’s home and throw away anything with his name on it. Within a few short weeks his mind will break and he will accept his new reality. He is Mike. He has always been Mike. He had a dream once that he was Mark, but that dream is over.
5. It doesn’t matter
Who the fuck cares what you call this guy? Nobody, that’s who. If he doesn’t like you calling him by the wrong name then he can just get the fuck out, just like the last guy, Mike or Matt or whoever.