SECAUCUS, N.J. – Tensions are mounting at False Assault, a print zine dedicated to the New Jersey underground metal scene, as witnesses say the editorial staff now regrets creating the zine’s trademark 666 skull rating & review system.
“You want to stay true to the art form and trust your system,” explained Editor-in-Chief Terry Biggio, “but those skulls cost you.”
According to Biggio, print costs, page real estate and the physical wear and tear of hand-drawing and meticulously counting thousands of tiny skulls per issue have taken a personal toll.
“My eyesight is going, my fingers have this lingering numbness, and I can’t hold a fork for days after finishing an issue,” he recalled while adjusting his therapeutic wrist brace. “And when you finally get done and can’t stand the thought of one more skull, there’s almost no room left for content. Our last issue — I won’t sugarcoat it — was at least 85% skulls.”
The stress caused a schism between the editorial staff and many of the writers, who still see value in the expansive rating system. “Posers wouldn’t think there’s much of a difference between a 471 and a 456 skuller,” explained senior staff writer “Necroscribe.” “And that’s why they’re posers. If it means some overnighter wets their Dark Tranquility jammies over too many skulls, so be it.”
Some feel an increased use of fractional skulls complicated matters even further. “These guys have 666 skulls to work with. You’d think that’s more than adequate skull coverage,” pleaded Biggio, “but here I am reading ripshit emails from labels because my writers won’t budge on 13 one-hundredths of a skull. Fuck. Just say if you liked the record or not.”
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Biggio confessed that despite his convictions, a change is on the horizon for the vaunted zine. By Q4 2016 he plans to migrate to a revamped 666 mushroom cloud system.
“You hate to give up on one of your core ideals, but sacrifices need to be made for the future,” he said. When asked if he had any concerns about the size of the review scale, a puzzled Biggio asked, “Well, what else would it be? 566 mushroom clouds? Now who’s being ridiculous?”
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