TACOMA, Wash. — Local boyfriend Adam Leben refused to admit to any wrongdoing for his alleged horrible behavior in his girlfriend’s dream last night, annoyed sources confirmed.
“When I walked into the living room, my girlfriend Kate [Torgensen] was just sitting on the coach, sort of staring blankly into the middle distance. I asked her what was wrong and she said, ‘Ha, like you don’t already know,’” said Leben of his girlfriend of three years. “I tried to sit next to her to see what was wrong, but she said she didn’t want me to touch her, and that my breath was awful, and I should go brush my teeth before trying to talk to her again.”
Indeed, Torgensen believes she is owed an apology for the “heinous” actions her boyfriend took during her sleep cycle.
“He just thinks he’s Mr. Innocent, doesn’t he? I’m sorry, but I really believe that what I see in my dreams are pieces of a puzzle my subconscious mind is putting together. So, yeah: I do think I have every right to be mad that Adam punched a horse that had my sisters middle name while at my childhood elementary school. That wasn’t the actual school, but I knew where I was,” said Torgensen. “And the fact I pulled three long, blonde hairs off of his backpack in the dream can only mean one thing… and I would just like him to admit that he is a fucking asshole. That’s all.”
Noted dream interpreter Arianna Oleynik has helped many couples resolve issues that arise during REM sleep.
“Yeah, he’s cheating on her, and she knows it. She just can’t admit that she looked through his phone or she will look like the bad guy,” said Oleynik. “Listen, I see this all the time — I bet he went and took a shower, his phone buzzed and a text from Domino’s Pizza read, ‘I can’t wait to feel you inside me later,’ and now its all gone to hell.”
“While it’s my job to gently coax that out of the offender, it’s not always easy. Most people storm out of my office before paying me,” she added.
The couple was expected to have breakfast with another couple, but reports indicate plans have been cancelled due to the fact Torgensen “just feels bad vibes” whenever she’s around them.