CHICAGO — A beloved crust punk belonging to the Donovan family died last night on a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Chicago after the flight crew insisted he be stowed in the overhead compartment so as to not bother the other passengers.
“This is clearly a great tragedy… which is ironic, given that the deceased had a large Tragedy back patch on his jacket at the time of his death,” said Donovan family lawyer Marco Salvez. “Troy Donovan — or as he was known by friends, Pussrat — was a bright and vibrant young man who loved finding discarded bags of chips in dumpsters and finishing half-smoked cigarettes found in ashtrays. His loved ones always expected him to die in the streets with dignity… not stuffed away like luggage.”
Donovan had been travelling with his mother and father to visit family in Chicago when a flight attendant asked that he be safely stowed up overhead and not under the seat, as is standard practice for flying crust punks.
“We are deeply sorry for this accident, and are working closely with the Donovan family to reach a resolution,” said United Airlines spokesperson Mike Sarno. “We recently announced a collaboration with Havoc Records to make a significant improvement in the health and well-being of crust punk passengers. Despite the fact that crust punks are bothersome, take forever in a TSA line, and try to steal complimentary refreshments on every flight, we still need to treat them like humans. And from now on, we will try our best.”
Some consumers are already questioning if they will fly with the carrier again.
“My daughter is a crust punk, and to see how they treated that young man is terrifying,” said Debbie Evans, a Senior Vice President with Deutsche Bank. “Sure, my daughter doesn’t call me anymore because I am a ‘tyrant,’ and yeah, she got ‘FUCK LIFE’ tattooed on her forehead, but this is all just a phase. Soon she will settle down with a nice young man and start a family… as long as she doesn’t fly on United.”
United is expected to settle with the Donovan family in the coming weeks. Industry insiders project the payout to be calculated using the crust punks’ projected lifetime earnings, which would equal out to be roughly $39.