NORTH HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Kevin Makings allegedly spent five grueling hours practicing in front of his full-length mirror preparing for his band’s eventual breakthrough deal this past Wednesday, according to multiple sources.
Reports indicate Makings looked over his list of potential sponsors with one foot perched on a desk chair. “Monster gives me all the energy I need to get amped for a sold-out rock ‘n’ roll show,” he said, taking a big swig of the energy drink and staring at his own reflection. “I can always count on Monster to give me that boost with a cool and refreshing taste that keeps me rockin’ all night long.”
Makings, the lead singer and sole member of the newly formed hardcore punk band Zero Hope, works often in his studio apartment perfecting the craft of selling out. “It’s just a matter of time,” he said hopefully during a brief break. “Some lucrative partnerships and massive corporate-sponsored festivals are right around the corner. I just have to keep focused on being marketable, having a firm handshake, and finding someone to write my songs.”
Like many upstart bands with ambitious branding goals, Zero Hope actively recruits other musicians with marketable looks as they try to get on the radar of popular advertisers.
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“I’m hoping to find some band mates soon, but everyone that has auditioned has been kind of ugly,” Makings said. “Once I find the right crew, everyone’s gonna be knocking on my door trying to get us to wear their gear. But until then, it’s just me.”
Zero Hope is rapidly becoming a full-time job for Makings, as he spends his nights hard at work sending out press releases and photos of the band to potential corporate partners. “I have so many ideas for sponsors,” he said, looking over his list. “There’s Downy, Taco Bell, Lane Bryant… all of these companies would love to share synergy with a band like Zero Hope. It’s all about timing,” he said while carefully planning the potential positioning of a Target logo neck tattoo.