CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple released a surprising new report today, revealing that the average iPhone owner uses roughly half of their storage space to save screenshots of dumb tweets, Instagram photos, and pirvate conversations to share with other friends for the purpose of talking shit.
“We expected most phones to be clogged with photos of babies, pets, and a lot of ‘before’ photos of someone trying to get in shape,” said Apple’s Consumer Trends specialist Enzo Henriques. “What we found were mainly screenshots texted to a third party for the purpose of shitting on the screenshot’s subject. Honestly, I thought I was the only one that did this, but it turns out nearly 99% of iPhone owners do it — the other 1% reported they don’t know how to do screenshots on iPhone X or newer.”
Apple loyalist Iain MacIver claimed he constantly has to delete old screenshots in order to make room in his phone for new ones.
“I’ve upgraded my iCloud storage about five times already and I still can’t keep up,” said MacIver. “I blame my friends for being such fuckwads — like when my buddy Paul split with his wife and posted all these super cringe-worthy selfies, like him on a swing set with the caption, ‘Life is full of ups and downs, but I’m just enjoying the ride.’ I sent that to a group chat with a few other friends and we spent the next four hours roasting the dude. Looking through most of the screenshots I’ve saved made me realize I hate almost everybody I know.”
Experts note that, even if you think you’re a pleasant person, it’s almost guaranteed someone has screenshotted something you said in order to talk behind your back.
“The average internet user is a bitter husk of a person who wants nothing more than to take you down a peg,” said social anthropologist Roemello Agjmurati. “If you posted a picture of you holding your newborn, someone is definitely sharing that photo and saying, ‘How are her friends letting her walk around with these eyebrows? I feel like calling CPS.’ Or when you tweet that you want to go back and finish your degree this year, a person you consider a close friend is most certainly saying, ‘She’s way too old to fuck her way through school this time.’ It’s just a sad fact of society today.”
Apple also confirmed that 100% of voicemails begin and end with, “This is your mother.”