REVERE, Mass. — Misguided 43-year-old street punk Martin “Peanut” Landers announced today that he will be upping his cigarette intake to help himself lose 15 to 20 pounds before the start of summer.
“I got lazy, there’s no way around it. I’ve been drinking more this winter. And my diet is total shit, so I really packed on the pounds. I just want to make sure I look O.K. when I take my shirt off at shows when it gets too hot,” said Landers while inspecting his gut in a broken mirror on the sidewalk. “To smoke as much as I need to, I’ll have to be disciplined — I gotta force myself to wake up early every morning and crank out a couple reps before my coffee, and dedicate at least an hour after my shift at the co-op to chainsmoke to really see results.”
However, friends of Landers’ are skeptical of his weight loss plan, largely because of his tendency to buy into punk dieting fads.
“Peanut has always been very self-conscious about his body. I think a lot of people look at the ‘heroin chic’ physique of Sid Vicious and think that’s what all punks should look like, but punks come in all shapes and sizes,” said longtime friend Davina Patel. “I remember a few years back, Peanut lost a lot of weight when he got hooked on this very fucked-up trucker speed you definitely can’t buy at the gas station anymore. But he put all the weight right back on as soon as his cat died — he just ate all his feelings.”
Fortunately, punk doctors believe Landers method is the best for him, given the circumstances.
“Smoking obviously has its drawbacks: yes, it’s been linked to cancer, but most punks expect to die way before cancer is an issue. Plus, when you smoke you look cool — that’s just a fact,” said Carson City Backyard Doctor College graduate Toby “Fishmouth” Aspinall. “If you’re going to smoke to lose weight, you need to make sure you only smoke healthy cigarettes, like American Spirits or cloves. You’ll also need to replace most of your meals with smoking, so for the best results, really try to limit your calorie intake to two or three bags of Skittles per day.”
In pursuit of his weight loss goals, Landers also plans to assuage his rampant alcoholism with only “low calorie booze,” like cheap red wine stolen from Trader Joe’s.