LOS ANGELES — Startling new models released today predict a massive spike in potential lovers subjecting their first dates to unsolicited details of their screenplays…
PITTSFORD, Vt. — 28-year-old Alex Solorzano is now in his seventh week of blaming social distancing for his sexual inactivity, despite several years of sexual…
DENVER — Local anomaly and known dirtbag David Gunther has perplexed a team of scientists with his disgust at the hypothetical prospect of a woman…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Entrepreneur and stay-at-home roommate Eunice Gibbs begrudgingly washed the dishes this morning left from her dinner last Thursday after coming upon the…
SAN DIEGO — Daisey McKinley’s period asked her eyes and heart again this morning if they know when her white pants will be going on,…
Always believe the victim. That’s a principle I live by when it comes to the victims of stolen intellectual property, reverse racism, and, most importantly,…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local woman Gina Crossman is eager to “set the record straight” since gaining the reputation of being a groupie as opposed to…
BROOKLYN, N.Y — Polyamorous partners Holly Byrne and Amanda Bartlow pledged their never-ending commitment to one another, and to giving unrelenting, unsolicited advice to others…
WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos became the first woman to irreparably damage the infrastructure at Woodrow Wilson High School earlier today, shattering…
SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Katelyn Paskin suffered a minor concussion earlier today after losing consciousness in a severe asthma attack, despite a tattoo on her wrist…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — Longtime hardcore enthusiast Chuck Abraham alleged earlier today that, despite being advertised as “all ages,” last night’s show at The Bell Mouth…
ITHACA, N.Y. — Local mother Tracy Campbell admitted earlier today to her growing concerns about her tattoo-less daughter’s ability to be a barista in today’s…
We’ve all been there. You meet a guy, his skinny jeans are black, his low tops are black, everything he’s wearing is black, and we…
NEW YORK — Missing nine-year-old vegan child Hunter Morgan has still not been recovered, according to investigators, despite his family posting his photo on the packaging…
PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — Local woman Katherine Montgomery was visibly shaken last night when her date took off his shirt, revealing a fresh tattoo of the…