ARLINGTON, Texas — Local dishwasher Dale Bennett was suddenly imbued with the ability to play every Pantera riff yesterday after he was bit on the…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Former skater and aging punk Brett Ryerson claimed his spot yesterday as the world’s biggest Pulley fan, citing his ownership of their…
Hey guy, take a fucking hint! The lady doesn’t wanna talk to you. I don’t care what she’s wearing. That doesn’t give you an excuse…
POMONA, Calif. — Trick-or-treaters visiting the haunted junkyard behind Old Man Clemens’ house were rewarded with rusted harmonicas handed out by rascal king Tom Waits,…
Class is in session, so sit down and shut up! You might actually learn something. The only way any of you are gonna pass is…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local pop-punk darlings Break Shot are running out of obscure movie quotes to inspire song titles for their newest release, Weekend At…
COLUMBUS — Spoken-word artist and comedian Henry Rollins treated showgoers at the Sonic Temple Art & Music Festival to a special encore, closing his set…
Tom Waits was born in the back of a boxcar in 1890, the son of a feral dog and a haunted phonograph. He has survived…
I was driving home from work like I normally do, past the creepy old rail yard, same as always. I looked away from the road…
HIGHLAND PARK, Ill.— Highland Park High School was rocked today by an appalling act of violence when Cards Against Humanity shoved Magic: The Gathering into…
EL PASO, Tex. — The world of professional Mutant League sports was rocked amidst recent accusations of doping against the Midway Monsters’ star quarterback, Razor…
So you finally started that podcast you’ve been talking about for three years. Good for you! I’m sure now that you’ve briefly thought about the…
Let’s get something straight, you fucking posers. I’m not some goddamn weekend warrior; I’m in this for the long haul. I actually give a shit…
Alright, LISTEN UP, you stupid, mouth-breathing, McDonald’s-eating, SUV-driving idiots. We only get one planet Earth, and you ASSHOLES are KILLING IT! I hope being able…
Look, I can go back to playing in a band whenever I want, OK? Sure, maybe being the lead singer of Crucial Logic wasn’t covering…