ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local 13-year-old Damien Glass suddenly sprouted a pencil-line mustache yesterday moments into his first listen of Motorhead’s classic “Ace of Spades,” unreasonably…
That is just disgusting! Who would be so thoughtless as to squirt down a thick, sludgy poop in the corner of the living room that…
The election result has been just as big of a surprise to me as it has to everyone else I’m sure. But still, I just…
SEWARD, Neb. — A far-right militia completely failed in their mission to remain vigilant on election day after the entire group became hopelessly lost in…
WEST LAWN, Penn. — A violent altercation in an IHOP parking lot yesterday between members of doom-metal band Savage Agnes was the closest thing the…
As I am a very clever and unique person, my favorite Christmas movie is, of course, totally non-traditional. But I’m not talking about some plebeian…
CHICAGO — Veteran emo-punk band Alkaline Trio has returned to the studio to brainstorm vaguely gothic puns to title their forthcoming album, sources fond of…
RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a “total carnivore” when it comes…
ATHENS, Ga. — Punk and new health insurance policy holder Nolan Nowickski is reportedly “going a bit overboard” with the amount of stick-and-poke tattoos he’s…
LOS ANGELES — Writers for the police procedural/workplace sitcom “You Have the Write to Remain Sassy” are debating how flamboyantly “gay” they should write a…
MENLO PARK, Calif. — Facebook officials discovered a glitch in the platform’s algorithm last week, in which anti-vaccination propaganda pages are being recommended to the…
It’s really tough to look at the state of the world today and see anything positive in it. With the COVID-19 pandemic showing no sign…
CAMDEN, N.J. — A green Bic lighter still hasn’t given up hope that it will one day no longer be absentmindedly pocketed by stoners and…
AURORA, Ill. — Local man Wendell Banks drove a 2013 Prius hybrid to popular power-pop trio Fold-Out Fedora’s drive-in show last night, proudly displaying a…
As a police union representative, let me say this in plain English for all you darn snowflakes trying to defund the police: We Need Cops!…