In the 1890’s, Ivan Pavlov discovered that he could cause dogs to salivate at his command by associating food with the ringing of a bell.…
SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — An independent adult film company has achieved a new level of realism in lesbian pornography with their latest feature-length video of…
Halloween is the punkest time of the year thanks to AFI and Danzig and not really anyone else. So we at The Hard Times decided…
SAYREVILLE, N.J. — Local guitarist Micah Verney ducked out of a job interview earlier today to record an idea for an amateurish riff using the…
This is a really great shop you have here, you know? I love stopping at Into the Woods Literature to find new ideas that really…
OXFORD, England — An android created by the Oxford Department of Engineering has reportedly worried incessantly since the mid-’90s that it accidentally hurt Radiohead singer…
NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference at NFL Headquarters to announce that their terrifying new video game NFL Dating Simulator…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — Pasty white guy Michael Stephenson alarmed friends and loved ones by vocalizing that he had absolutely no interest in visiting Japan, disturbed…
The Hard Times needed a win. Facebook has been choking our traffic, and our fans won’t stop tagging their friends in our posts saying “You…
Ok, I admit it. I never assumed anyone would actually take me up on my Facebook post encouraging friends to message me if they were…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Department of Physics announced today the theoretical discovery of the fifth sequence of the energy/alcohol…
TRENTON, N.J. — Local music fan and extreme demophobe Sally Englund had an unexpectedly pleasant experience last night at her boyfriend’s empty, indie-folk gig, thanks…
BROOKLYN — Two patients waiting in the Dr. Smiles dentist office were seen wearing the same shirt featuring Canadian tech-death band Cryptopsy, but showed no…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — A copy of Dean Koontz’s “The Good Guy” was found beaten and battered on a local bookshelf yesterday, while a copy of…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — A merch cashier at Little Rock’s Verizon Arena apologized profusely last night to a gaggle of irate Parrotheads for running out…