Who is your favorite Beatle? Some choose the harder-rocking, experimental John Lennon. Others prefer the technical expertise of George Harrison. Hipster contrarians make compelling arguments…
We all know Valentine’s Day is a holiday created by the greeting card industry to remind single people how unlovable they are. But if we…
DENVER — Local man Geoff Martins finally accomplished his lifelong dream yesterday, opening Mountain Trail Brewery to specialize in nondescript, bland pilsners and boring lagers…
FRESNO, Calif. — Local boyfriend and overall totally unremarkable guy Brian Cromwall utterly debased himself to do his girlfriend a solid yesterday by buying her…
I’m not a sociopath. I’m aware that you can’t see through my tall, chiseled, fragrant body. And I feel bad about it. But life isn’t…
MILWAUKEE — Representatives from the top acoustic bass manufacturers gathered yesterday outside Violent Femmes bassist Brian Ritchie’s house to beg him to purchase another bass…
A Wes Anderson film is a lot like caviar. It may not be inherently enjoyable on its own, but an astute connoisseur can learn to…
SALT LAKE CITY — Your mom just wanted to let you know today that a single, 22-year-old nurse just started working full-time with her at…
Gorillas are magnificent creatures. They stand tall with powerful posture, pick their noses, and fuck in full view of a family audience in zoos. Very…
Youth is overrated. Young people look fucking weird, their voices are all high and annoying, and they’re dumb as hell. But goddamn, they can write…
PALMETTO BAY, Fla. — An already shirtless Iggy Pop tightly crossed his fingers and paced anxiously during the team selection process of a neighborhood pickup…
BOSTON — Researchers at Berklee College of Music confirmed today that the opening riff of local punk band Milkmouth’s song “Squirrel Scream” should really have…
DETROIT — Local bar/glam rock band Stiletto Devils, who cite fellow Detroiters Kiss as their sole influence, “suck ass” at playing music just as much…
The word “boomer” contains decades–nay, millennia–of pain, hatred, and abuse. Millennials toss it around flippantly, making it the punchline of hurtful, problematic jokes. In an…
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Civil engineer Daniel Barley obtained sole custody of ex-girlfriend Alicia Kressen’s parents yesterday during the dissolution of their relationship, completing a landmark…