WASHINGTON — Leaders of the #AllLivesMatter movement called for an end to March for Our Lives early this afternoon at a press conference outside of…
SAN FRANCISCO — Local three-legged dog Chester, recently adopted from a nearby no-kill shelter, will live out the rest of his days serving as a…
AUSTIN, Texas — Recent transplant Andre Alvarado was reportedly unsure which merch table was socially acceptable to aimlessly stand by late last week while attending…
SAN ANTONIO — Local “good guy” and gun enthusiast Dean Hart admitted today that “constant” rejection and overwhelming loneliness has only increased his bitterness towards…
PHILADELPHIA — A long-winded and confusing rant last night about gender identity by legendary hardcore frontman Bobbie Bryant was likely meant to be positive, despite…
LOS ANGELES — The dilapidated building that provided the backdrop for every promo photo from every hardcore band ever will be demolished and replaced with…
ALLSTON, Mass. — Residents of a basement apartment on Gardner Street are counting on a single, $5 tub of spackle to repair multiple doors, walls,…
BALTIMORE — Married couple Kenny Wallace and Audrey Tyler are praying to “Christ or whatever the fuck” that the band they’re seeing will not return…
RENO, Nev. — Touring hardcore outfit Hammer Envy received a single, damp towel last night to share amongst the four of them while staying at…
ATLANTA — Delta Airlines flight attendant Moses Ray dedicated yesterday’s routine flight to Chicago to “the real mother fuckers in coach” during an impassioned pre-flight…
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — 33-year-old pop-punk frontman Danny Huerta has reportedly been cast out of the scene he helped build after he was outed late…
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Butthole Canyon frontman Richie Butthole increasingly regrets his chosen stage name, now that he is approaching his mid-30s, sources close to the…
INDIANAPOLIS – Local girlfriend Stacey Hopkins, currently sitting on the edge of the couch while her boyfriend plays Battlefront II, has reportedly just dropped $3,000 to…
LANSING, Mich. — Local OSHA inspector Gary Branville found an upsettingly high number of blatant safety violations in the latest edition of the popular “Construction…
FRESNO, Calif. — Local metalhead Terry Parker found yesterday that he is almost out of body parts into which to carve the word “Slayer” as…