YONKERS, N.Y. — Darnell Hudgens, recently paroled from Westchester County Correctional for marijuana distribution, is reportedly encountering challenges obtaining a job in the legal weed…
SASKATOON — Violence nearly erupted following an argument between a local Canadian and a visiting metalhead over the cultural origins of the denim vest, moderately…
NEW YORK — Owner and lead investigator of the Blue Prints Detective Agency, Steve, sat down and wept in his shower for several hours after…
DALLAS — Local white man Darrell Hargrove raised alarm bells yesterday after a traffic incident led experts to believe his mugshot may soon appear on…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new report from The Institute of Nostalgia Studies found evidence that the classic ‘90s “X-Men” animated series doesn’t have the same…
WASHINGTON — Democratic members of the U.S. legislature announced today that, “Fuck it, we’re gonna lower the minimum wage,” following backlash from supporters frustrated by…
NEW YORK — Leading economists warned today that raising the minimum wage to $15 will severely impede the ability of elite Americans to be born…
Sometimes a political statement comes along that really forces one to rethink their whole world view. While it’s been centuries since Martin Luther nailed his…
LOS ANGELES — The upcoming fourth installment of the popular “Matrix” movies is expected to shatter records for dumb, pseduo-philisophical discussions in dorm rooms across…
WOODLAWN, Md. — A recent government study indicates that fans of thrash metal will finally be eligible for Social Security benefits in the coming year,…
NASHUA, N.H. — Pheasant Lane Mall Target employee Trevor Bennequist clocked out yesterday for lunch, only to discover that buying food would cost him more…
It’s not often that a location becomes synonymous, if even briefly, with a zeitgeist defining artistic movement. Rarer still are the times when such a…
PLAINSVILLE, Iowa — Local virgin Andy Wardell grew concerned yesterday that his future sexual intercourse may resemble the acts described in any of the Cannibal…
ATHENS, Ga. — A boomer-aged couple announced today their coordinated effort to vote in the upcoming presidential election for the candidate who appears on TV…
We all know that choosing who to vote for is an unsatisfying, existentially-bleak, and pleasure-devoid bummer. It’s impossible to find any political candidate that caters…