Prick up your Commie ears, Libtards! Because I’m only going to say this once. I REFUSE to apologize for being white. And yes, I am…
BOSTON — Time traveler and anti-robot resistance leader Trent Mendez, sent from the future to warn humanity about an impending artificial intelligence uprising, was dismissed…
SALT LAKE CITY — All six patrons and two clerks in Salt Lake City’s Moonshot Comics Emporium reported they were grateful to be well-adjusted people,…
CINCINNATI — 32-year-old claims adjuster Aaron Madson spent the past week listening to classic nü-metal alone in his car “as a joke” for hours before…
Oh Jiminy Christmas, I goofed up. Fellas, this one is on me. Well, maybe it’s not really my fault. Kind of a miscommunique on your…
Prom season is here and you know what that means: A-list pop stars like Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and Rihanna will momentarily cast their life-affirming…
Have you guys heard of this ACLU? Because apparently they’re like OBSESSED with me! I signed up for their e-newsletter over a year ago and…
LOS ANGELES — Flaming Lips lead singer Wayne Coyne has severely weakened his immune system due to too much time spent inside his iconic plastic…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — The guitarist and songwriter of a popular metal band was accused yesterday of using excessive umlauts in his tacit admission to…
ATLANTA -— Stubborn, delusional punk Drew Blaney, who has lost a third of his mohawk due to his receding hairline, will not fix his increasingly…
Believe it or not, I used to be really pathetic. I used to be the guy who was routinely borrowing money from his parents, friends,…
Punk’s not dead, right? Spoiler alert, dipshit! According to this fan theory, punk has been dead for decades. Not only that, but evidence suggests that…
Say goodbye to your childhoods, kiddos! In light of the recent news that Toys R Us stores across the country will be shutting their doors…
Meet Walter Flannery. 64-year-old file clerk, two-time divorcee, grandfather of two beautiful pomeranians, and podcasting entrepreneur. Walter is one of 43 million Americans with a…
Brothers, As The Sect’s first ever reporter, and its only member with permission to leave our community, I serve as the conduit through which all…