LONDON — World-famous primatologist Dame Jane Goodall announced today that, after 60 years of studying chimpanzees in their native habitat, she has found that broiling…
VOORHEES, N.J. — Local grandmother and World War 2 hero Dorothy Schuler was asked yesterday by her grandson Darin Roche to apply her code breaking…
It’s no revelation to say that most of the great comedies of yesteryear couldn’t be made today. The cultural climate is far too over-sensitive now.…
ANAHEIM, Calif. — LEGO customer service representative Janice Kirkland was well aware that caller and middle-aged man Mike Doherty was not asking for help with…
OLIVETTE, Mo. — Siblings Freddy and Kevin Rosario have separately come to the unfortunate conclusion that quoting a “Plimpton Auto” ad from 2000 is the…
It seems like just yesterday those Trump-loving, dumbass crybaby MAGA bitches were clogging up my Facebook feed with racist propaganda, Ronn Swanson memes, and boastful…
CLEVELAND — Local man Ryan Kaufman salvaged the majority of his unused best man speech yesterday after adding some minor edits to instead eulogize his…
METRO KINGDOM — Local adventurer Mario Mario is allegedly trapped inside an unsettling painting by modern artist H.R. Giger after having jumped 12-feet into the…
TOLEDO, Ohio — The Observer-Gazette, a so-called “legitimate” local newspaper that has “allegedly won multiple prestigious awards,” failed to even do the bare minimum of…
ATLANTA — Quasi-political punk Aaron Scovell convinced himself yesterday that, if he had a job and was registered, his theoretical “douchenozzle boss” wouldn’t let him…
CARBONDALE, Ill. — Tired wife Ruby McDermott was reportedly “not in the mood” for sexual activity this evening, instead asking her husband to just lick…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Local woman Lily-Ann Greenaway is allowing a crust punk she met last week on a dating app to soak “for a day…
Everyone at my middle school knows the story of “Gus the Gouger,” the creepy old janitor that lures children into the boiler room and gouges…
PARKER, Colo. — Middle-aged CPA Ken Feeney has no idea what to think today after MTV enthusiastically responded to a “humiliating” and “stomach-churning” audition tape…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local millennial David Hickman Jr. very nearly sent his father a lengthy, impassioned explanation yesterday of why his allegedly “harmless jokes”…