FAIRHOPE, Ala. — Davey Armstrong, the only drummer of note in his small town, is doing a poor job of hiding the fact that he…
In the event that there are any marine biologists, firearm experts, or, I dunno, active coast guard members reading this, we need help NOW. Earlier…
FOUNTAIN HILLS, Ariz. — Totally jacked local man Chris Wilkins reportedly spent years preparing his body for retribution on his high school bully Darren Tyler,…
BATON ROUGE, La. — Wedding guest Jennie Fultz committed a major fashion faux pas last weekend by wearing a black dress and smokey eye shadow…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Perpetually pie-eyed local man Dominic “Mitch” Wozinski was invited last night by expectant parents Christine and Sam Pinner to unwittingly test…
There is no way to tell John Mellencamp’s story without telling my own. And if his story is really a confession of sucking on chili…
CHICAGO — Polyamorous man John Castenda gallantly put both of his girlfriends on his shoulders at the Rainy Days Music Fest last weekend, giving them…
COLUMBUS, Ohio — A fuzzy little punk roommate known only as “Banjo” twitched adorably in his sleep yesterday, presumably dreaming that he was running away…
BETHESDA, Md. — Local woman Tabitha Wicksham is “not at all worried” about her husband sleeping with groupies during his cover band’s upcoming tour, citing…
STAFFORD, Texas — 59-year-old custom bathroom tile salesman John Canales was shocked to learn from his punk son yesterday that he would be 413 in…
DES MOINES, Iowa — Former Vice President Joe Biden requested moments ago to perform a “physical challenge” in lieu of answering a foreign policy question,…
MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Recently stabbed, profusely bleeding, and chronically uninsured drummer Tommy Rivera is insisting his band add at least one Canadian date to their…
ROME, N.Y. — Local folk-punk band and inconsiderate neighbors Brewdog asked the old man who lives downstairs and banging on the ceiling with a broom…
NEW YORK — A large-scale data breach of Tumblr’s current user base compromised the personal information of all 12 horny, artsy kids that for some…
NEWARK, N.J. — Local punk and expert responsibility-avoider Dean Freeman asked his neighbor this morning to throw out all his mail for him, “especially credit…