WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — A burrito purchased at a local 7-11 today was beyond repulsed by the disgusting schlub who bought and consumed it,…
SEATTLE — Local punk Kyle Treacher has entered his third year of trying to break in a pair of Doc Martens, struggling to stave off…
NEW YORK — Popular disco group the Village People announced they had severed ties with Victor Willis, better known as the Cop from the Village…
SAN DIEGO — Thanks to the slowdown in day-to-day police activity, local officer Scott Martinson is now committing abuses of power against members of his…
NEW YORK — Quarantined man Michael Gray repeated his rigid daily routine moments ago when he turned off his alarm, got out of bed, and…
Hello there Hard Times readers! My grandchild, The Hard Times, is feeling under the weather today so they couldn’t write anything. But don’t worry! The…
NAZARETH, Pa. — Local teen Brian Miller found his father’s old stash of Playboys while snooping through the garage late last night and is now…
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN EARTH AND LV-462 — The Weyland-Yutani Corporation has found themselves under intense scrutiny after a xenomorph alien slaughtered the passengers and crew of…
Hey! Just wanted to pop in and express my apologies for not being able to come to your show the other day. I hope it…
BEL AIR, Md. — Philidelphia transplant and Grindr user Brian Walsh was reunited with his estranged father Dale yesterday after the two inadvertently contacted each…
WHEELING, W.V. — Local woman and drug enthusiast Lindsey Cruz reportedly turned down the opportunity to trip balls for less than $4 last night, thanks…
ATHENS, Ga. — Record store clerk Jimmy Taylor, well-liked by customers for his attentiveness, knowledge of music, and generally affable nature, was fired yesterday by…
Once in a while, a brilliant actor comes along that redefines the practice in ways that the ancient Greeks could never have imagined. Gary Busey…
WEST HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Local man Brian Davis was shocked and surprised yet again last night that Backslide, the bar he visited for the sixth…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Rotund drummer Mike Crenshaw overcame the insecurities associated with his body by leaving his shirt on during a recent set at a…