DETROIT — Local punk Leslie Knight is currently trapped in what she thought was going to be a friendly “hello” with a guy whose hug…
DENVER — Local retail worker Carson Patterson earned himself a luxurious, three-minute paid vacation for Labor Day by faking a shit-break, awe-inspired sources confirm. “It…
PHOENIX — Local 30-year-old Arun Sharma tested today whether or not he can use expletives in front of his parents, as he’s still unsure if…
SPRINGVILLE, Ind. — Renowned Juggalo patriarch Killa Koppafield reportedly knows over 1,000 uses for the various flavors of Faygo, mystified sources confirmed. “You see my…
LOS ANGELES — Professional amateur rude boy Devin Taft is confident he’ll nail his “perfect” moves for his upcoming “Dancing with the Stars” audition, unsurprised…
TOLEDO, Ohio — 28-year-old Sammy Warner was shocked last week when attending her 10-year high school reunion by how much her former classmates have aged,…
MINNEAPOLIS — Former members of the band The Replacements were mortified to learn this morning, upon finally sobering up after decades of heavy drinking, that…
Heart palpitations. Cold sweats. “Why is no one listening to me?” I wondered to myself, rifling through a mental rolodex of every interaction I’d had…
GOTHAM CITY — Villainous flunky Thomas O’Dowd remains steadfast in his belief that, despite the frequency at which Batman thwarts the activity of criminals in…
LOS ANGELES — Filming of reality game show “Fear Factor” came to a halt yesterday afternoon when self-proclaimed “punk as fuck” contestant Charles Edgarton would…
It is time for our nation to come together and agree that my controller is being weird as hell right now and that’s the only…
I’m so tired of hearing people say that professional wrestling is fake. These men and women put their blood, sweat, and steroids into this profession.…
Look, I’m a big believer in reading and shit. It’s super important, but can we be expected to read every last book that people like?…
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Upon reaching the final round of famed television game show “The Price is Right,” punk David Klein admitted his hope that the…
My child’s body is still warm and people are already trying to politicize her death. Where’s the decency? I worry this is the new normal.…