SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for…
I’m far from perfect. I fuck up, make mistakes. And I’m not always easy to be around. But if you can’t handle me at my…
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Daniel Powers is searching for an acceptable way to find out if his niece’s upcoming birthday party will be BYOB or…
Are you concerned with how frequently Academy Award nominee Tommy Lee Jones cums? If so, then you are to blame for the cursed new app…
When I say “cultural celebration,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Thanks to the long-term effects of thoughtful, nuanced celebrations like Cinco de…
LOS ANGELES — Nine Inch Nails’ frontman Trent Reznor is reportedly preparing an upcoming national tour with bandmates staffed exclusively with “random dudes” he found…
We’ve all been there: you’re out crushing $4 domestics at Dave & Buster’s with the boys and, after a few too many Miller High Life…
In a landmark victory for noncorporeal cannabis reform, the Ghostbusters announced via their tax lawyer Louis Tulley that they are releasing hundreds of ghosts they’ve…
Emo kids, unite! Old school emos only. So if you were there from the start, come on and pull on those skinny jeans, swoop your…
SALT LAKE CITY — A new QAnon theory circulating on message boards about the truth behind Daylight Saving Time is somehow more believable than the…
Everyone knows about Christopher Walken’s enthralling “Pulp Fiction” monologue. But that’s not the only time this eccentric thespian has played a character with a secret…
Hey, you! Think you’re smarter than a 5th grader? Well, I pray to God that you are because my 10-year-old son Caleb just won the…
SAN DIEGO — Seven-months pregnant 311 fan Shannon Kerrigan regrets using all of her favorite potential baby names on several sick bongs over the last…
ST. LOUIS — Local man Brian Dorney’s Valentine’s Day preparations allegedly revolve exclusively around convincing his girlfriend that 1988 classic action movie “Die Hard” is…
CHICAGO — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan finally noticed yesterday that “minimum wage” rhymes with “rat in a cage,” according to horrified sources who have…