Coronavirus can’t melt steel beams, sheeple! Have you got that through your thick skulls yet? It must be hard when your cognitive functioning is fucked…
HUNTINGTON, N.Y. — A punk show scheduled to happen in local teen Mike Lennox’s basement was canceled yesterday afternoon after his mom came home with…
PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell…
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Probation officer Morris Berger is the closest thing struggling punk band Muskrat Funeral has to a tour manager, according to sources who…
WASHINGTON — Vice President Mike Pence announced plans today to protect American citizens from the coronavirus by sending all infected to a faith-based conversion therapy…
Get the hell out of my way! I just got here an hour late and I’m shitfaced but it’s my God-given right to be directly…
BOSTON — Extremely sweaty attendees at a Four Year Strong “Brain Pain” record release show report the band has been playing the same breakdown for…
Beck’s genre-defying “Odelay” is considered one of the best albums of the ‘90s, but how does it hold up over 20 years later? To answer…
WASHINGTON — XFL players from the Seattle Dragons and DC Defenders kneeling during the National Anthem at the league’s inaugural game were merely suffering from…
SAN DIEGO — Members of chillwave band Hookah Sesh are engaged in a heated internal struggle to establish the beta of the group, according to…
MILWAUKEE — Local punk Doug Reece is surprised and deeply troubled that he has lived long enough for his metabolism to decrease so significantly, according…
DOVER, N.H. — Your coworker, accounts manager Randy Ferguson, has no idea that he is your mortal enemy in a long-running feud that won’t end…
It’s every beer pong player’s worst nightmare. Worse than getting shut out. Worse than playing with Milwaukee’s Best. Even worse… than losing to a chick.…
DETROIT — Married couple Jason and Holly Erickson spent their fifth anniversary dinner on Saturday night savagely roasting an “atrocious” couple at a nearby table,…
KINGS PARK, N.Y. — Local punk Joe Ricchio finally bonded with his fanatical sports fan father last week, thanks to the multiple self-inflicted head injuries…