It’s nearly impossible to describe the feeling I got from depositing my long-awaited stimulus check. Not sure what word to call it but it definitely ends in “gasm.” I feel relieved most of all. For the first time in weeks I feel financially secure. I wish I could feel like this all the time. I know what I need to do. I must devise a plan to acquire a stimulus check every two weeks until I’ve saved enough money to go into what used to be called “retirement.” The word was recently changed to, “quarantine.”
Usually I’m full of get-rich-quick schemes but this is way more complicated than your typical scam. This will require constant time and effort. Almost daily. Maybe I’ll take two days off a week to keep myself refreshed. But during the days I’m avoiding work, let’s call them “shirk days,” it’s all business all the time.
The first step is finding hundreds of people who have yet to receive their stimulus checks. Fortunately, that won’t be hard since I’m currently doing my part to gentrify a rent-controlled building. Most people here live with extended family like grandparents, so they’re less likely to pick up their mail. Hello, personal information! Now we’re cooking.
All that’s left is the simple matter of reaching someone in the government right now to direct these stimulus checks my way. Based on conservative estimates, this process takes about two weeks, assuming you attempt to make contact approximately forty hours per week. I know that sounds like an absurd amount of time for anyone to do anything just to make some money. Sure, it’s an unprecedented notion, but these are unprecedented times and we all have to do what we need to do to get by.
It’s sad that it’s come to scamming vulnerable people but what else do you want me to do? Turns out my interpretive basket weaving degree didn’t make me as employable as my interpretive basket weaving professors made it seem. Oh and hey, did you get your stimulus check yet?