I used to be a God-fearing man. A real fire-and-brimstone buff. But my faith in God aged just as poorly as my tattoo of Christian nü-metal band, P.O.D. Quite frankly, there is no benevolent God who would ever allow me to get this P.O.D. tattoo in the first place.
Surely, a merciful God would not allow one of his followers to mar his body with a tattoo that includes “inspirational” lyrics about illegally skateboarding in a community pool. If divine intervention was possible He would have interfered like, “Thou won’t be 19 forever, and these lyrics will be incredibly off-putting on a 40-something-year-old.”
I believe an omniscient being would have least steered me towards an understated Switchfoot or Relient K tattoo. Or at the very least a P.O.D. song that didn’t equate pulling off a nollie nosegrab to discovering the meaning of life.
I can’t worship a God who did not prevent me from getting a tattoo that also includes the full P.O.D. “Satellite” album cover across my chest. At the time I thought it was a beautiful work of art but now all I see when I look at this chestpiece in the mirror is Satan smirking back at me.
Also my pal Shitdick, who’s currently in jail for homicide, didn’t do a great job with the stick ‘n poke in his grandma’s dimly lit basement. However, that was mostly my fault for not bringing a lamp and also bringing extra meth.
I must admit that maybe it was free will that led me to insist on adding the additional text of “Never forget 9/11” and “I will always support Bush and the Iraq War.” That one is on me. 2011 was a weird year.
Free will aside, of all the tragedies that could have been prevented, God should have prioritized the one on my torso.
Nowadays, I’m a loud atheist and constant shirt-wearer. Every time I shower I am reminded of my past mistakes and previous delusion that God is real and that P.O.D. would always be my favorite band.
P.O.D.? More like P.O.S. amirite? Just kidding. A literal P.O.S. could spit better bars. I just thank my atheist hero Ricky Gervais for showing me the way. And I pray (to SCIENCE!) that my “I Heart Mannequin Pussy” neck tattoo will always be relevant.