NEW YORK — Local depressive Naomi Roman was teetering on the brink of mental collapse Thursday morning until her suicidal thoughts were deterred after she…
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — The local manufacturing scene is buzzing after an exclusive new factory opened in a redeveloped nightclub on the edges of the city’s…
SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the…
AVIGNON, FRANCE — A team of archeologists announced Monday the discovery of an array of prehistoric cave paintings in southern France, which they claim provide…
SAN FRANCISCO — A specialty dating app created for connecting East Asian people seeking the same is reportedly being used exclusively by white dudes, according…
THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Local high school freshman Mason Daniels was forced to become a member of his local punk community after a self-administered haircut…
CHICAGO — Touring band The Cheap Seats were annoyed to find that the promised green room at their next venue was actually just a beige…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Doom metal veterans Flaccid Obelisk is selling coupons for a full vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil change as exclusive merch items…
MANCHESTER, N.H. — A small portion of a box of Crest White Strips is being tasked with undoing the damage that comes with eight years…
SEATTLE — A six-year-old purple otter pop was granted a new life purpose as a DIY ice pack after a record heat wave hitting the…
HEAVEN — Local divine and benevolent deity, God, updated His LinkedIn profile yesterday, changing His title to Content Creation Ninja in the first step to…
WASHINGTON — A CDC annual report detailing the various causes of death in the United States noted that “being crushed by a falling piano,” while…
MIAMI — First time nude beach goer Simon Lowell made fellow nudists uncomfortable with his obvious anxiety surrounding what to do with his hands and…
FORT WAYNE, Ind. — A friend whom you haven’t spoken to, texted, or shared an Instagram exchange with in the past 15 months put you…
OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local straight edge 22-year-old Niki Mishtia once again proved that he is perfectly capable of acting like a moron without using alcohol…