CLEVELAND — Recently signed hardcore band Pain on Fire discovered this afternoon that their recent promotional photoshoot was marred by a pleasant grin from their drummer, a source reports.
“Well, this is just fucking fantastic,” said frontman Randy “Cast Iron” Collins. “In order to look as angry as possible in the promo photos I skipped breakfast and had someone tow my car, what does he do? He shits all over our band photo by smiling like some village idiot at the state fair for the first time.”
“I would’ve preferred him to literally shit all over the photo,” Collins added. “That would’ve been brutal, actually. This is just straight-up amateur hour.”
Tensions mounted at a regularly scheduled band practice last night, when Pain on Fire drummer and “fucking dumbass” Chris Schecter-Haas was unremorseful.
“They’re upset I smiled?” Schecter-Haas asked rhetorically. “Well, I’m sorry, but my girlfriend is awesome, I just got promoted at work, and two days ago, I won an all-expense-paid weekend at Sandals Jamaica from an animal shelter fundraiser raffle. Looking dour just isn’t in the cards at the moment.”
Label spokeswoman Vanessa Castillo expanded on the botched photo attempt.
“We at Crowd Kill Records are honestly baffled by what was supposed to be a tough as nails band shot, intended for promotional use on a worldwide scale,” Castillo said. “I’m not sure what’s so difficult about showing up in a Black Flag shirt and just standing there… but the oversight has forced us to reconsider whether Pain on Fire is prepared to represent Crowd Kill Records with the same zeal as, say, Breakdown City or The Chain Gang— both of whom are banned from playing in the Tri-state area. Welcome to the big leagues, gentlemen.”
At press time, Pain on Fire bassist Mickey McCabe was practicing grimacing in the mirror in preparation for the rescheduled shoot, as he “tends to get the giggles when nervous.”