OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk dad Tim “Trashcan” McCarthy was shocked and disturbed yesterday after discovering a regular issue of Sports Illustrated under his teenage son’s mattress.
“I was digging around his room, as most dads do, just to see what he’s getting into. I mean, if he has weed, I’d hope he wouldn’t hold out on his old man. But then I pulled up his mattress and there it was, clear as day: just a regular-ass Sports Illustrated, with that jacked-up goon Mike Trout on the cover,” said McCarthy. “I thought this was some ploy and I’d open it and find an anarchist zine or something with one boob… but, no, just articles about fantasy baseball prospects. I’d heard about this happening to other people, but I never thought it’d be my own kid. Where did I go wrong?”
McCarthy’s son Billy vehemently denied alignment with any organized sport, despite being grilled by his father.
“I swear to God I only bought it for the skateboarding article. The baseball stuff is nothing — I just wanted to find out which bats are sturdy enough for smashing mailboxes. It’s not like I’m trying to be some cleat licker drinking Coors at a sports bar,” said the 12-year-old. “My dad used to get drunk and punch A’s fans in the ‘80s, and he’s freaking out that everyone in the neighborhood is going to think his son is a poseur.”
Child psychologist Brad Schaffer noted “rebellious” behavior like this is not uncommon.
“Rebelling against your parents is a right of passage, and one’s teenage years are about finding one’s identity. It’s only natural that some kids experiment with or become curious about societal taboos, but at the end of the day, it’s a parent’s duty to ensure their offspring don’t idolize roided-out jock assholes,” said Dr. Schaffer. “Sure, today Billy may just be browsing harmlessly through player stats and figures, but if left unchecked, he could be regularly reading Barstool Sports and using phrases like ‘run the table’ and whatnot.”
The McCarthys ultimately came to a compromise, in which Billy can like sports so long as they’re something violent, like hockey.