WASHINGTON — Congressional members from both sides of the aisle put aside partisan differences last week, coming together to ruthlessly mock the band of Rep. Louie Gohmert’s intern Matt Kirby, leaked government records confirmed.
“When Kevin McCarthy told me I had to listen to this turd of an album one of Gohmert’s interns made, I was a bit skeptical,” reported House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “As elected officials, I think the American people are tired of the negativity emanating from Washington in recent years. But when I finally sat down to listen to this sonic abortion, I couldn’t believe someone actually thought this was suitable to record. So I did the responsible thing: I called an emergency session so we could all have a good laugh.”
Since the discovery of the intern’s Soundcloud page, Congressional members have regularly gathered to listen to Kirby’s music, watch his live performances, and offer snarky commentary.
“I think, in this polarized political climate, it’s encouraging for Americans to see their elected officials put aside politics and just shit on one of the worst albums ever made,” noted Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “When Elizabeth Warren jumped on a table to imitate Kirby’s awkward on-stage presence, I nearly teared up seeing Democrats and Republicans putting their arms around each other and laughing uproariously.”
While the majority consensus in Washington towards Kirby’s band has been derision and contempt, not all have come to that conclusion.
“This is just more typical mockery of American values by the cosmopolitan elites here in Washington,” noted President Trump’s senior adviser Stephen Miller. “Congress needs to stop and really listen to the music the American people connect with, and while Mr. Kirby’s band is not exactly popular, this is the kind of music real Americans appreciate and treasure. This is why Donald Trump is President — he’s willing to take on the people who say that patriotic Americans like Matt Kirby have no business making music”
At press time, members of Congress were making plans to attend a poetry open mic hosted by one of Rep. Vern Buchanan’s interns in the hopes of “keeping the good times rolling.”