WHITMAN, Mass. — Small town police officer Patrick O’Brien is looking forward to reuniting with old friends and classmates while they’re in the back seat of his patrol car during their holiday vacation, sources close to the spiteful prick confirmed.
“This is my favorite time of year. I always look forward to when the crew gets together so I can roll in, arrest them for being drunk and disorderly, then plant some drugs on them so they need to come back for a court date,” said Officer O’Brien. “I plan on going down to some of the old haunts like Venus II or Bikebarn just to watch everyone scatter as soon as I roll in. The best part is seeing everyone’s parents when they come and bail them out of the station so I can tell them to their faces that they raised shitty kids.”
Allen Whitmore, one of the many people O’Brien has arrested in years past, is not excited about the prospect of seeing his old classmate.
“I love getting to spend time with my parents because they go nuts for Christmas, but each year I end up in the drunk tank even though I don’t even drink because O’Brien has it out for me,” said Whitmore. “No matter where I go he always seems to be there with that stupid ‘it looks like I just smelled something gross’ grin he always has. He’s always been a piece of shit ever since he was a hall monitor in high school. I hope my parents sell that house and move to Florida or something so I don’t have to worry about this bullshit anymore.”
Officer O’Brien’s father, Chief of police Andrew O’Brien, says he is proud of his son, and his commitment to law and order.
“Without my son on the beat there would be dozens of out of town visitors parading around our streets blabbing about how much different things look and how great it is living in California,” said Chief O’Brien. “Last year he arrested a third of the 2007 Whitman-Hanson graduating class, and this year we’re hoping to double that. We also plan to impound any cars driven by visiting children just to make things harder for everyone. It’s definitely my favorite time of year.”
As of press time Officer O’Brien was catching up with an ex-girlfriend while writing her a ticket for only stopping at a stop sign for two seconds.