SEATTLE — Seattle Police Lieutenant Chuck Haines is beginning to worry that his dealer may be tampering with his cocaine, following a rash of well-publicized incidents involving service employees spitting in police officers’ food, sources report.
“It’s hard out here being a cop — the world is against us, and we can’t trust anyone. I mean, look at the weird clumps in my cocaine. That’s gotta be spit,” said Haines, as he diced up rails in the front seat of his squad car. “I know my dealer is into BLM and all of that stuff; I can tell by the way he dresses. But I’m putting my life on the line out here for this community, dammit! Can’t my plug show me a little respect?”
While many agree that police are at a heightened risk for receiving contaminated products, cocaine supplier Derek Haslan denied any wrongdoing.
“Haines said what? That dude’s been hitting it hard lately, and he’s super paranoid. I run a professional operation here,” Haslan said, while sifting laundry detergent into a large pile of powder on his kitchen table. “Cops are always crying that people are messing with them. Does he really think I want to take the time to spit in every cop’s 8-ball? With all the cops that buy from me, I wouldn’t have enough spit to go around.”
While Haines may never fully know if his cocaine was tampered with, law enforcement experts see this as an indicator of upcoming psychological trauma modern police will deal with.
“Back in the day, society respected law enforcement: people waved, you got a free cup of coffee, and you knew you weren’t getting some super stepped-on bag of yayo from a local dealer,” said Fraternal Order of Police President Randall Price. “But now, you’re all against us. We can’t even attack the poors anymore without you maggots crying. Every last one of you will pay dearly.”
Haines was later seen trying to make friends with the new Evidence Locker guard.