PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. -— Former Vice President Dan Quayle has reportedly contracted the novel Coronavirus “COVIDE-19,” according to Quayle’s medical records.
“Mr. Quayle checked in complaining of a fever. The attending physician unfortunately determined Mr. Quayle has Covid,” said ICU registered nurse Elizabeth Walker. “I wrote it on the white board as ‘COVID patient,’ and he then asked me to add an ‘e’ at the end for some reason. I thought he was joking, but he wouldn’t stop until I went up there and added the ‘E.’ There were some staff in the room with me who looked on uncomfortably, but what are you gonna do? We just erased it like, one second later. He seemed pretty satisfied with himself.”
The public learned of the spelling error after the former Vice President tweeted his diagnoses to his followers.
“Tonight, I tested positive for COVIDE-19,” the quote read. “I will begin my quarantine and recovery process immediately, and we will get through this TOGETHERE!”
According to hospital staff, the Vice President has been seen wandering the halls with a Sharpie and heard muttering under his breath since his stay began.
“Mr. Quayle is progressing nicely, and although it’s possible the virus has affected his mental state, he does appear to know where he is and who he is, often insisting he helped squash the ‘hive’ epidemic. But I’m pretty sure he meant HIV,” said resident physician Dr. Rishi Patel. “He’s made several attempts to ‘correct’ properly spelled words written by medical staff, and have driven our cafeteria workers nearly insane trying to rebrand every container on hand as Jell-OE. Fortunately, we have more important things to worry about.”
Quayle was last seen insisting a nurse bring him that new drink he saw written on another patient’s room called “Fall Riske,” after he “spelled it the right way for once.”