DENVER — Your boyfriend of two years claimed yesterday, in a “totally gross” and “most definitely insincere” showering of affection, that he loves you and only wants what’s best for you, according to friends worried about your long-term happiness.
“I’ve been under a ton of stress, and I was venting to my boyfriend. Other guys would usually minimize my concerns or not pay attention, but weirdly, he just listened and put his arm around me. Like, what the actual fuck? Why didn’t he just take his phone into the bathroom and not come out for 45 minutes?” you said, while scanning all his previous texts and reading way too much into them. “I don’t know. I wanna be happy, but there’s something about all his love, respect, and encouragement that I find so off-putting. I mean, ugh, right? What kinda shit is he trying to pull?”
Despite your waiting for the other shoe to drop, your boyfriend is steadfast in his devotion to you while still establishing and respecting healthy boundaries.
“I know she’s had some really ugly relationships in the past, so I try to be supportive. But it’s frustrating that she gets suspicious over the fact that I’ve never threatened to beat the shit out of her male coworkers, or ever flew into a jealous rage because she was hanging out with her friends,” your boyfriend said, in a suspiciously rational and supportive way. “I know I’m far from perfect myself. But I really do love her, no matter how many times she accuses me of only pretending to love her just so I can later steal all her money, like that guy she dated when she lived in Orlando.”
Therapist and relationship counselor Dr. Gerald Allen stated that this sort of behavior is common in relationships.
“Many people suffer from various degrees of relationship anxiety — particularly if they’ve been hurt before,” he explained. “My best advice is to learn to love yourself, regardless of whether your wife’s ex has a way bigger penis than mine. I mean, yours. I mean… metaphorically.”
At press time, you’re struggling to decide between marrying your boyfriend because he’s “the greatest, most loving person you’ve ever met” or sabotaging the relationship because “honestly, it’s way easier.”