AUSTIN, Texas – Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin have made a startling discovery. Though controversial, anthropologists have determined that crust punks may have once been human.
“Once we were able to examine beneath all of those raggedy clothes and caked-on grime, we found a body similar to our human bodies,” researcher Dr. Maryanne Withers, who lead the study, said. “It challenges everything we thought we knew about these much maligned creatures.”
Scientists have known for years that other species of punk — such as the skinhead or the mall punk — share a common ancestor with humans, but it was commonly agreed that the crust punk was just too different from a functioning person for it to be anything remotely human.
Dr. Withers claims that crusts, or Sordes corpus (literally “filth body” in Latin) descended from Homo sapiens at some point in the past due to environmental adaptations. Their spines, though wrought from generations of inadequate sleep and poor diets, have the same number of vertebrae as ours — and their livers, destroyed by cheap malt liquor, were also almost identical to that of a very ill human.
The study still leaves a few mysteries unasnwered: What advantage does a skin destroyed with stick-and-poke tattoos have? How did normal human hair become the single-dread-lock-ponytail? Can the crust punks feel love?
Related: Crust Punk Disgusted by Local Dumpster’s Lack of Vegan Options
“We are positive the crust punk descended from man, but it’s important to understand what that means in the context of science,” Dr. Withers added. “Evolution doesn’t mean that the crust punk is superior to normal humans; it’s actually quite the contrary. Crust punks are just more fit to survive in their disgusting, garbage-filled environments.”
“Yeah, they cut me open and looked at my guts or whatever,” Skittlez, a crust punk that was examined for the study, said. “Then I got forty bucks and a sweet new buttflap. Totally worth it.”