ROSWELL, N.M. — Local bachelor Ian Rael felt optimistic about his first Hinge date with Emily Backovich, an event that she will need to unpack with her therapist for the next month or so.
“Yeah dude, it went pretty well! I picked her up at her place, complimented her hipster-chic aesthetic, and whisked her off to a brewpub,” announced Rael about his 72nd first date since the COVID pandemic started. “We had some drinks and took some cute pics in the photobooth. We even kissed in there! I don’t want to call myself a dating expert, but if there’s one thing and the only thing women love, it’s going on first dates.”
Backovich offered a substantially different and more traumatic perspective on how the events of her date with Rael unfolded.
“When I got in his car he immediately said I looked like a ‘lowkey slutty puritan,’ so we were off to a typical start,” recounted Backovich, who is coming off a two-year long hiatus from dating. “My therapist says that if I go into new situations looking for problems, I’ll always find them, but this was five seconds after we first met! We then went to a brewery despite me stating on Hinge that I’m sober, and he got shitfaced. Then we got in a photobooth where he tried to kiss me. I pivoted my mouth away and he weirdly kinda nuzzled the back of neck. I have photographic evidence. I had to drive him in his car back to his house and Lyft home. Fuck dating. Fuck it forever.”
Backovich’s therapist, Dr. Linda Argent, attempted to present ways to reflect on this experience for progress and growth.
“Emily is frequently very hard on herself, and I understand why — dating sucks,” explained Dr. Argent, who specializes in relationships and sex. “Unfortunately, bad dates are a part of dating. The key is in how we carry ourselves after a bad date. I’m encouraging her to give herself the grace to not blame herself. But after countless shitty dates with state school douchebags, I’m running out of ways to rephrase it all.”
Rael’s lack of self-awareness continued to worsen as he later claimed he is so good sexually that women have to beg him to stop after 45 minutes of fingering.