NASHVILLE — Local woman and occasional defecator Ingrid Fowler was shocked and alarmed to discover her boyfriend’s bathroom had just a few flimsy strands of beads in place of a traditional door, gassy and urgent sources confirmed.
“I’ve been seeing this guy for a few weeks now, but I’ve never been to his place. And since my building is being fumigated for silverfish, he invited me over. That’s when I saw it. A fucking wide open, doorless bathroom,” said an exasperated Fowler. “The only thing separating my stinky shame from the living room is a half dozen or so strings of multi-colored beads. Like, why even create the illusion of privacy by hanging the beads when it accomplishes fuck-all? I’ll be lucky if I survive this weekend with only a slightly impacted rectum. Jesus fucking Christ.”
Although excited to have Fowler over, boyfriend Tanner Levine was puzzled by her behavior.
“Ingrid is really cool, even if she’s been acting a little goofy since she came over. Maybe it’s because I live in a really small space with only one bedroom and I’ve got three or four roommates sleeping on the couch and floor,” said Levine. “The first night around like 6:30 or so she started making a big thing about how we should all ‘hit the hay,’ and tried to ply us with Sleepytime tea and melatonin chewables. Allegedly this was to help us sleep through ‘any kind of loud noises, or whatever.’ Not quite sure what that was about.”
Levine’s ex-girlfriend Ayana Jacobs provided insight into the origin of the doorless bathroom.
“You know what the fucked up thing is? The bathroom originally had a door, but they ripped it off the wall and used it to soundproof the makeshift recording studio inside the only bedroom’s closet,” said Jacobs. “Back when we dated and I had to drain a brown snake, I’d tell him I needed to ‘clear my head’ and then walk two blocks to drop a deuce at that really sketchy Dunkin’ Donuts where they never have any donuts.”
At press time, Fowler is contemplating risking her current relationship by sleeping with her boyfriend’s neighbor just for the opportunity to shit behind a door that locks.